Monday, 14 February 2005

Careers, Catholicism and Crapness

Aren’t Careers advisers great?. I could have gone into that interview -having stopped on the way to butcher several small children, taken dangerous amounts of intravenous drugs in a bus shelter and pissed in a charity shop- confessed all to the man, and I still would have come out feeling all rosy and good about myself. I could have been Charles Manson, and the chap would still have said something like ‘you have great people skills’. Apparently I have ‘a fantastic academic record’, I ‘attend the best law school in the country’ and I managed to get an interview without having worked in a law firm, which shows that I have ‘great commercial experience’. We shall leave aside for a moment, the fact that I am a bit of a twat. The main thing I was told, is that for the purposes of job-hunting in the immediate future, I must cease to be the Humphrey Clarke we all know and loathe. I shall become a career focused professional, my life planned out with Prussian precision and my C.V brimming with invented positions of responsibility and business ‘buzzwords’ like ‘portfolio’ and ‘focused’. Things like my chronic fear of using the telephone, my tendency to slack off and my lack of serious ambition can be swept under the carpet, I am the personification of ‘Business’ once again.

Television really has gone downhill recently. Upon turning on the ‘Devils Device’ a couple of nights back I was confronted with the spectacle of a naked pre-op transsexual, with oversized breasts and a giant wedding tackle. The next scene in the program showed the member being sliced apart by plastic surgeons. Lets look up ‘entertainment’ in the dictionary shall we. Entertainment ,‘Something that amuses, pleases, or diverts’, isn’t it stretching the definition a bit to call seeing someone’s fruit and veg being cut up entertainment?. What’s next, one wonders, celebrity autopsies?, abattoir game shows?, televised badger baiting?. Maybe I should become the next Mary Whitehouse, and pen a series of letters to Channel Five, expressing my ‘outrage’ and ‘indignation’, although that would probably make me the very defintion of a self-righteous prick.

As I look back over my former entries, I see that I have been a bit harsh on poor old John Paul II, I mean just because someone takes a contrary position to you doesn’t mean you should rejoice in their death. I suspect I was irritated by the sickening amount of adulation poured in his direction from most of the world’s media, I felt similarly peeved when Diana died and became the patron saint of dysfunctional women. Now we have a pope who holds the same views and is intent on following the same policies as John Paul, and yet he is being scorned because he isn’t very charismatic. If the last pope was so great then what’s wrong with a carbon copy. As I think I’ve said elsewhere, I never understood why the Catholic Church can’t preach abstinence and say that use of barrier contraceptives is ok. In my opinion, condoms actually promote abstinence because the infernal things are so hard to get on. By the time you’ve extracted the instrument from its impregnable packaging and rolled it on, you have usually lost your erection, your dignity and, worst of all, the intended recipient has lost all interest. This is not only incredibly irritating but pretty sound theologically I’d imagine. Besides, casting my mind back to my Religious Instruction lessons, Onan’s sin appears to have been his failure to conduct the levirate, not the coitus interruptus. It seems ludicrous to be preaching abstinence to the Africans, a large number of whom are in the habit of walking round in not very much at all if the pseudo-pornographic National Geographic is anything to go by.

My School

My dad sent me to this Catholic School to put me off religion, and I found that most of their doctrines were unsound. During a classroom discussion we were informed by my R.I teacher (pictured below) that the theory of evolution was completely wrong. ‘But sir’, I piped up, ‘Its in all the scientific text books’. ‘Completely wrong’ the teacher sagely replied, ‘I mean if you took a squirrel and threw it in the ocean, then it wouldn’t just suddenly evolve gills and swim away would it’.

My R.I teacher

His argument was brilliant. To this day I get amusing images in my head of him standing on a boat and chucking squirrels in the sea to see if Darwin was really right. Being an atheist makes more sense to me. All you have to do is mock other peoples superstition, make belated comments occasionally about ‘believing in something’ to make you feel better about your steadily ebbing mortality, and then, miraculously find Jesus on your deathbed. Halleluiah.

I finally got to see the new series of Doctor Who last week and was horrified to discover it was full of flatulent aliens. Does anyone else find fart jokes chronically unfunny?. Maybe years of boarding school where I was perennially held down and farted on, have conditioned me to be un-amused by this form of humour. The expulsion of stomach gas from the rectal cavity, followed by an irritating noise, comic genius.

8 comments:

oakleyses said...

tory burch outlet, tiffany and co jewelry, coach outlet store online, polo ralph lauren outlet, chanel handbags, true religion outlet, ray ban outlet, red bottom shoes, burberry outlet online, prada outlet, kate spade outlet online, nike free, polo ralph lauren, christian louboutin shoes, nike air max, christian louboutin outlet, coach outlet, louis vuitton outlet online, burberry outlet online, true religion, nike shoes, longchamp handbags, coach purses, oakley sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, oakley vault, tiffany jewelry, louis vuitton outlet, nike air max, prada handbags, coach outlet, michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet online, gucci handbags, michael kors outlet, louis vuitton, longchamp outlet, jordan shoes, michael kors outlet store, kate spade handbags, louis vuitton handbags, cheap oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, louis vuitton outlet, christian louboutin, longchamp outlet online, michael kors outlet online

oakleyses said...

chaussure louboutin, ralph lauren pas cher, nike free pas cher, burberry pas cher, guess pas cher, ray ban pas cher, converse pas cher, barbour, true religion outlet, tn pas cher, air max pas cher, sac louis vuitton, longchamp pas cher, louis vuitton pas cher, nike blazer pas cher, vans pas cher, nike roshe, nike air max, abercrombie and fitch, air jordan, nike free, louis vuitton uk, scarpe hogan, michael kors uk, mulberry, true religion jeans, nike air force, sac vanessa bruno, oakley pas cher, air max, nike roshe run, new balance pas cher, longchamp, north face, ralph lauren, lacoste pas cher, nike air max, hollister, ray ban uk, hermes pas cher, hollister, lululemon, michael kors canada, timberland, sac michael kors, louis vuitton, north face pas cher

oakleyses said...

canada goose outlet, asics shoes, giuseppe zanotti, soccer jerseys, soccer shoes, birkin bag, uggs outlet, bottega veneta, wedding dresses, reebok shoes, north face jackets, mcm handbags, ugg boots, babyliss pro, marc jacobs outlet, vans outlet, lululemon outlet, mac cosmetics, canada goose, herve leger, nike trainers, north face outlet, roshe run, beats headphones, longchamp, instyler ionic styler, valentino shoes, ugg soldes, insanity workout, p90x workout, ugg, jimmy choo shoes, canada goose outlet, abercrombie and fitch, nike huarache, ferragamo shoes, nfl jerseys, ghd, new balance outlet, chi flat iron, rolex watches, celine handbags, mont blanc pens, ugg outlet, hollister, uggs on sale

oakleyses said...

moncler, canada goose, links of london uk, air max, hollister canada, uggs canada, oakley, canada goose pas cher, swarovski jewelry, lancel, parajumpers outlet, juicy couture outlet, toms outlet, canada goose, montre femme, ray ban, replica watches, moncler, canada goose uk, coach outlet, swarovski uk, gucci, supra shoes, louboutin, baseball bats, pandora uk, moncler outlet, converse, nike air max, vans, louis vuitton canada, ralph lauren, moncler, pandora charms, pandora jewelry, thomas sabo uk, ugg, iphone 6 case, canada goose outlet, karen millen, hollister clothing, timberland shoes, moncler, juicy couture outlet, hollister, wedding dress, moncler, moncler, converse shoes

oakleyses said...

louis vuitton, nike outlet, nike free run, nike air max, polo outlet, longchamp outlet, nike free, replica watches, nike roshe, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, louis vuitton outlet, longchamp outlet, prada outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tory burch outlet, ugg boots, tiffany jewelry, sac longchamp pas cher, christian louboutin, tiffany and co, louis vuitton, replica watches, louis vuitton outlet, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin uk, polo ralph lauren outlet online, ugg boots, michael kors pas cher, louboutin pas cher, polo ralph lauren, longchamp pas cher, burberry pas cher, jordan shoes, gucci handbags, nike air max, air max, longchamp outlet, jordan pas cher, prada handbags, oakley sunglasses wholesale, kate spade outlet, christian louboutin outlet, christian louboutin shoes, oakley sunglasses, cheap oakley sunglasses

oakleyses said...

michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet, replica handbags, nike tn, nike free uk, coach purses, burberry outlet, michael kors, polo lacoste, nike blazer pas cher, nike air max, hollister pas cher, ray ban uk, guess pas cher, michael kors, true religion outlet, hogan outlet, michael kors outlet online, nike air max uk, uggs outlet, michael kors outlet, new balance, michael kors outlet online, uggs outlet, mulberry uk, nike air force, abercrombie and fitch uk, lululemon canada, north face uk, ray ban pas cher, burberry handbags, michael kors outlet online, kate spade, true religion outlet, ralph lauren uk, sac hermes, nike air max uk, vans pas cher, converse pas cher, hollister uk, nike roshe run uk, true religion jeans, north face, michael kors outlet, sac vanessa bruno, true religion outlet, oakley pas cher

oakleyses said...

new balance shoes, chi flat iron, nike trainers uk, vans outlet, ghd hair, ipad cases, iphone cases, mont blanc pens, bottega veneta, ferragamo shoes, mac cosmetics, herve leger, timberland boots, s6 case, wedding dresses, nike air max, iphone 6 cases, ralph lauren, soccer jerseys, valentino shoes, oakley, longchamp uk, baseball bats, soccer shoes, nike roshe run, babyliss, beats by dre, north face outlet, iphone 6s cases, nike huaraches, north face outlet, hermes belt, iphone 6s plus cases, celine handbags, lululemon, hollister clothing, mcm handbags, asics running shoes, nfl jerseys, abercrombie and fitch, insanity workout, jimmy choo outlet, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 plus cases, hollister, instyler, giuseppe zanotti outlet, p90x workout, reebok outlet, louboutin

oakleyses said...

juicy couture outlet, juicy couture outlet, ugg, pandora jewelry, moncler, replica watches, moncler outlet, pandora uk, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, gucci, canada goose uk, swarovski crystal, converse, marc jacobs, canada goose outlet, moncler, supra shoes, ugg pas cher, hollister, swarovski, thomas sabo, pandora jewelry, moncler outlet, louis vuitton, moncler uk, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, canada goose jackets, canada goose, canada goose, links of london, toms shoes, montre pas cher, pandora charms, doudoune moncler, moncler, barbour uk, louis vuitton, ugg uk, karen millen uk, moncler, ray ban, coach outlet, barbour, lancel, louis vuitton, hollister, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, wedding dresses, nike air max