Sunday, 6 February 2005

Predictions

As I chewed miserably on my half cooked rice I pondered the irony that there are people in third world countries with far better diets than me. The reason for their suffering is that they are poverty stricken, and must walk many miles over a sun baked plain to fetch water and receive U.N handouts. The reason I am consuming such an unappetising meal is that I am too lazy to walk to Tescos. I could have stolen my flatmate’s food but decided against it, one must purge idolatry by suffering it’s consequences. Having replenished the meagre supplies in my cupboard this morning I have come to the conclusion that the George Foreman fat reducing grilling machine is a con. Since setting the damn thing up in my kitchen I have become consumed by irresistible urges for bacon toasties that I am too weak to resist. As a consequence, my fat intake has risen sharply, making the title of the product something of a misnomer. Tonight I shall reverse this trend of culinary incompetence by cooking a Tai stir-fry, and this time I’ll try not to burn the bloody vegetables.

I love it when people make appallingly wrong predictions. I recall listening to this audiotape about mysterious happenings and psychic prophecies back when I was a highly-strung pre-teen. Part of the narrative concerned a famous 16th century woman mystic, Mother Shipton, who had made hundreds of forecasts for future events, many of which had mysteriously come true. She was also famous for being unbelievably ugly, her nose was said to be "of disproportional length with many crooks and turnings.......her stature was larger than common, her body crooked and her face frightful", she had great goggling eyes and her wreck of a nose also gave off a faint luminosity. In the artists impression below she looks disturbingly like Nobby Holder.

Mother Shipton

One of her prophesies gave me the willies, an actress on the tape with an unnaturally deep voice whispered, ‘but beware, an end to the world will come, in nineteen hundred and ninety one’. Of course, now that I have a modicum of maturity I would be less inclined to swallow this bullshit uncritically and would realise that this lady had chosen the date 1991 for the end of the world, firstly because it happened to rhyme easily, and secondly because it was far enough in the future for her not to get any bad press for centuries. Back then however, it gave me the willies. At this point in life I was so superstitious that I was still sleeping with the covers over my head, because of a Sherlock Holmes story I had read where a snake is forced down a bell rope onto an unsuspecting victim, this might give some indication of my gullibility. Throughout 1991 I became extremely nervy and would peek nervously through the curtains in the belief the apocalypse would arrive at any moment. After all, I reasoned, didn’t the idea seem plausible?. If god were planning an apocalypse he wouldn’t have it on a year that was a round number like 2000, he would have it on a numerically boring year when no-one would be expecting it. In the event, the 1991 Judgment Day theory turned out to be the worst prediction since ‘it’ll all be over by Christmas’ in 1914 and I became a confirmed sceptic.

Last year, a friend of mine was insistent that scouse hostage Ken Bigley was working for Al Qaeda. ‘Think about it’ he would say, ‘in every video the hostage takers release he tells the British government to give in to their demands’, ‘he speaks Arabic and he has connections with the area, its extremely suspect, he’ll turn out to be an Al Qaeda agent, you wait and see’. When events proved him wrong he was unapologetic and next week was telling me the Nick Berg killing was faked by the F.B.I.

Often the most erroneous prediction you can make is ‘I don’t fancy staying out for long, so I’m only going for a couple of drinks’. Nothing proves this better than the story Richard told me about his mum’s birthday. Shopping for one’s parents is always difficult, but there are certain fail-safe gifts one can turn to if things get desperate. Having ferreted around in the bookshop for a while, Richard decided to get his mother a book on bird watching and began to walk back to his house to wrap it. Then his mobile rang, it was his mates inviting him down to the local drinking spot for a couple of pints. ‘What harm can a few beers do’, I imagine he thought and, bag in hand, he wandered off down the road. Eight pints later, and things had gone spectacularly wrong as they are wont to do in this scenario. When reaching the pub, it is extremely hard not to be seduced by the sirens of cheap Stella, good company and high sprits. Feeling nauseous, Richard picked up his bag and puked violently into it, all over the book. Unsurprisingly he was asked to leave the pub and staggered drunkenly back up the hill clutching his bag of vomit. Upon awaking, he discovered that he had fallen asleep in the woods next to a small stream. Horrified, he realised what he had done and inspected the bag and its disgusting contents. Then a moment of inspiration, he took the book out of the bag and washed the soiled pages off in the stream. Having dried it off on the radiator at home the book looked almost presentable and he decided to wrap it up and give it to his mother the following day. The situation had been rescued, and he remained in his mum’s good books until, one night, he came back smashed and woke her up at three in the morning to tell her he was going to convert to Islam.

This week I predict I shall get the majority of my morbidly dull project written. I predict that I shall become an expert in ‘the legal implications arising from the Higgs Report’, and that I shall learn how to cook food without ending up with stomach cramps and indigestion.

8 comments:

oakleyses said...

nike free, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet store, tory burch outlet online, coach outlet store online, longchamp handbags, michael kors outlet online sale, polo ralph lauren, michael kors handbags, louis vuitton, prada outlet, ray ban outlet, burberry outlet online, nike air max, coach purses, coach outlet, nike outlet, chanel handbags, true religion outlet, christian louboutin shoes, red bottom shoes, gucci handbags, coach outlet, louis vuitton outlet online, tiffany and co jewelry, michael kors outlet online, oakley vault, cheap oakley sunglasses, louis vuitton handbags, nike air max, prada handbags, true religion, louis vuitton outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet, longchamp outlet, louis vuitton outlet, tiffany jewelry, kate spade outlet, burberry outlet online, christian louboutin outlet, jordan shoes, christian louboutin, kate spade outlet online, longchamp outlet online, michael kors outlet

oakleyses said...

air max pas cher, hollister, longchamp pas cher, converse pas cher, ralph lauren, nike air max, air jordan, sac vanessa bruno, abercrombie and fitch, scarpe hogan, sac michael kors, louis vuitton uk, michael kors canada, new balance pas cher, ray ban pas cher, nike roshe, hermes pas cher, true religion outlet, ralph lauren pas cher, tn pas cher, nike free, vans pas cher, north face, nike roshe run, nike air force, nike air max, hollister, sac louis vuitton, burberry pas cher, oakley pas cher, michael kors uk, ray ban uk, mulberry uk, north face pas cher, chaussure louboutin, guess pas cher, louis vuitton, nike blazer pas cher, air max, barbour, lululemon outlet online, lacoste pas cher, timberland, longchamp, louis vuitton pas cher, true religion jeans, nike free pas cher

oakleyses said...

bottega veneta, ugg boots clearance, north face jackets, herve leger, wedding dresses, insanity workout, jimmy choo shoes, soccer jerseys, ugg outlet, mcm handbags, beats headphones, canada goose outlet, chi flat iron, ferragamo shoes, ghd, ugg, canada goose outlet, uggs outlet, asics shoes, giuseppe zanotti, nike trainers, longchamp, soccer shoes, vans outlet, p90x workout, valentino shoes, north face jackets, mac cosmetics, mont blanc pens, nike huarache, babyliss, abercrombie and fitch, replica watches, uggs on sale, celine handbags, new balance outlet, reebok shoes, canada goose outlet, nike roshe, marc jacobs outlet, ugg boots, hollister, ugg outlet, birkin bag, canada goose, lululemon outlet, ugg soldes, instyler ionic styler, nfl jerseys

oakleyses said...

iphone 6 case, timberland shoes, louis vuitton canada, nike air max, moncler outlet, toms outlet, hollister, air max, moncler, canada goose, pandora charms, pandora uk, hollister canada, oakley, louboutin, converse, ralph lauren, wedding dress, ray ban, swarovski jewelry, baseball bats, parajumpers outlet, pandora jewelry, canada goose, gucci, moncler, thomas sabo uk, ugg, montre femme, canada goose pas cher, vans, uggs canada, swarovski uk, juicy couture outlet, canada goose, lancel, converse shoes, hollister clothing, coach outlet, links of london uk, moncler outlet, replica watches, karen millen, moncler, supra shoes, moncler, juicy couture outlet, moncler

oakleyses said...

louis vuitton, nike outlet, nike free run, nike air max, polo outlet, longchamp outlet, nike free, replica watches, nike roshe, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, louis vuitton outlet, longchamp outlet, prada outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tory burch outlet, ugg boots, tiffany jewelry, sac longchamp pas cher, christian louboutin, tiffany and co, louis vuitton, replica watches, louis vuitton outlet, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin uk, polo ralph lauren outlet online, ugg boots, michael kors pas cher, louboutin pas cher, polo ralph lauren, longchamp pas cher, burberry pas cher, jordan shoes, gucci handbags, nike air max, air max, longchamp outlet, jordan pas cher, prada handbags, oakley sunglasses wholesale, kate spade outlet, christian louboutin outlet, christian louboutin shoes, oakley sunglasses, cheap oakley sunglasses

oakleyses said...

michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet, replica handbags, nike tn, nike free uk, coach purses, burberry outlet, michael kors, polo lacoste, nike blazer pas cher, nike air max, hollister pas cher, ray ban uk, guess pas cher, michael kors, true religion outlet, hogan outlet, michael kors outlet online, nike air max uk, uggs outlet, michael kors outlet, new balance, michael kors outlet online, uggs outlet, mulberry uk, nike air force, abercrombie and fitch uk, lululemon canada, north face uk, ray ban pas cher, burberry handbags, michael kors outlet online, kate spade, true religion outlet, ralph lauren uk, sac hermes, nike air max uk, vans pas cher, converse pas cher, hollister uk, nike roshe run uk, true religion jeans, north face, michael kors outlet, sac vanessa bruno, true religion outlet, oakley pas cher

oakleyses said...

new balance shoes, chi flat iron, nike trainers uk, vans outlet, ghd hair, ipad cases, iphone cases, mont blanc pens, bottega veneta, ferragamo shoes, mac cosmetics, herve leger, timberland boots, s6 case, wedding dresses, nike air max, iphone 6 cases, ralph lauren, soccer jerseys, valentino shoes, oakley, longchamp uk, baseball bats, soccer shoes, nike roshe run, babyliss, beats by dre, north face outlet, iphone 6s cases, nike huaraches, north face outlet, hermes belt, iphone 6s plus cases, celine handbags, lululemon, hollister clothing, mcm handbags, asics running shoes, nfl jerseys, abercrombie and fitch, insanity workout, jimmy choo outlet, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 plus cases, hollister, instyler, giuseppe zanotti outlet, p90x workout, reebok outlet, louboutin

oakleyses said...

juicy couture outlet, juicy couture outlet, ugg, pandora jewelry, moncler, replica watches, moncler outlet, pandora uk, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, gucci, canada goose uk, swarovski crystal, converse, marc jacobs, canada goose outlet, moncler, supra shoes, ugg pas cher, hollister, swarovski, thomas sabo, pandora jewelry, moncler outlet, louis vuitton, moncler uk, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, canada goose jackets, canada goose, canada goose, links of london, toms shoes, montre pas cher, pandora charms, doudoune moncler, moncler, barbour uk, louis vuitton, ugg uk, karen millen uk, moncler, ray ban, coach outlet, barbour, lancel, louis vuitton, hollister, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, wedding dresses, nike air max