Thursday, 3 March 2005

The T.V Licence, and the art of taking a piss

title or description

On odd occasions I come down to the pigeonholes in the Blenheim lobby to discover I have yet another letter from the T.V licensing body. This particular piece of threatening correspondence usually sets out in detail the nasty things they can do to you if you are caught in possession of an unlicensed television, and presents a series of alarming statistics showing impressive numbers of ‘successful prosecutions’ and ‘detection rates’. I’m a sucker for this kind of psychological warfare. The licensing body has taken on the same role in contemporary society as ‘the four horseman of the apocalypse’ did in the early modern period. They are usually referred to in hushed tones by students at the start of every year and are attributed with implausible powers of perception. The picture one gets of them, is that they drive around the streets of Britain’s cities in state of the art ‘detection vans’, armed with enormous satellite dishes that can pick up guilty households on their radar. They can also smell fear, and produce categorical evidence that you are lying when you tell them you don’t possess a television. ‘That’s funny’, they would doubtless say, in a Columbo-esque kind of way, before proceeding to pick your alibi apart with consummate skill. I tried not to pay my licence, but somehow the guilt kept eating away inside of me and I ultimately relented.

Into my head came nightmarish images. I would be sitting in my Blenheim cell at night, watching Friday night porn on Channel five in a zombie like stupor. Then, suddenly, the door would burst open, and into the room would leap two officers in ski masks and carrying assault rifles. ‘T.V licence board, get on the fucking ground!’ they would shout, and I, terrified, would spread-eagle myself on the carpet as they inspected my T.V. ‘I just use it to play my Xbox’, I would stutter, meekly, but these specially trained operatives would see through me at a glance and issue me with a hefty 1,000 fine. In reality, I suspect the TV licensing board is a somewhat impotent body. It probably consists of a single computer with a mail-merge system that routinely sends out nasty letters, effecting compliance by maintaining an atmosphere of terror. In essence it’s the same technique that was used during the purges in Stalinist Russia. I complied earlier in the year, my two flatmates didn’t and there has been no visit from the B.B.C ‘Cheka’. I need to face up to the fact I am weak.

The public urinal is the last battleground of masculinity. Deprived of large-scale war by the nuclear deterrent, and restrained from butchering our neighbours by the rule of law, we now divert our energies into more trivial areas of competition. One of these is to torment people with nervous bladders, the phenomenon where one finds it impossible to perform an ‘act of nature’ when one has reached the appropriate venue. I do suffer from this affliction on occasion, and it is pretty annoying to say the least. One stands there squirming in embarrassment, praying for your bowels to get their act together and cursing the sequence of events that brought you into this situation. The chap next to you usually displays one of two reactions. Either he gets suspicious and suspects you of having ‘George Michael’ style motives for your expedition to the public urinal, or he revels in the position of power in which he now finds himself and takes as much time as possible in order to prolong your discomfort. Defeated and dejected, one sometimes has to admit that one is beaten, and retreat to the confines of a nearby cubical. Alternatively, you sometimes find yourself playing the opposite role and find yourself next to someone who suffers from the same defect. You stand triumphant while the poor chap struggles to function, taking your time, and considering the adage that sometimes ‘life ain’t all that bad’. Life is all about the small victories.

Speaking of which, i've just won Aprils 'rant of the month' at 'Have a Rant.co.uk' for one of my old posts. Sadly all I seem to have won is a virtual certificate and 15 rant point, yippie fucking-doo

http://www.have-a-rant.co.uk/har/viewtopic.php?t=202

8 comments:

oakleyses said...

tory burch outlet, tiffany and co jewelry, coach outlet store online, polo ralph lauren outlet, chanel handbags, true religion outlet, ray ban outlet, red bottom shoes, burberry outlet online, prada outlet, kate spade outlet online, nike free, polo ralph lauren, christian louboutin shoes, nike air max, christian louboutin outlet, coach outlet, louis vuitton outlet online, burberry outlet online, true religion, nike shoes, longchamp handbags, coach purses, oakley sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, oakley vault, tiffany jewelry, louis vuitton outlet, nike air max, prada handbags, coach outlet, michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet online, gucci handbags, michael kors outlet, louis vuitton, longchamp outlet, jordan shoes, michael kors outlet store, kate spade handbags, louis vuitton handbags, cheap oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, louis vuitton outlet, christian louboutin, longchamp outlet online, michael kors outlet online

oakleyses said...

chaussure louboutin, ralph lauren pas cher, nike free pas cher, burberry pas cher, guess pas cher, ray ban pas cher, converse pas cher, barbour, true religion outlet, tn pas cher, air max pas cher, sac louis vuitton, longchamp pas cher, louis vuitton pas cher, nike blazer pas cher, vans pas cher, nike roshe, nike air max, abercrombie and fitch, air jordan, nike free, louis vuitton uk, scarpe hogan, michael kors uk, mulberry, true religion jeans, nike air force, sac vanessa bruno, oakley pas cher, air max, nike roshe run, new balance pas cher, longchamp, north face, ralph lauren, lacoste pas cher, nike air max, hollister, ray ban uk, hermes pas cher, hollister, lululemon, michael kors canada, timberland, sac michael kors, louis vuitton, north face pas cher

oakleyses said...

canada goose outlet, asics shoes, giuseppe zanotti, soccer jerseys, soccer shoes, birkin bag, uggs outlet, bottega veneta, wedding dresses, reebok shoes, north face jackets, mcm handbags, ugg boots, babyliss pro, marc jacobs outlet, vans outlet, lululemon outlet, mac cosmetics, canada goose, herve leger, nike trainers, north face outlet, roshe run, beats headphones, longchamp, instyler ionic styler, valentino shoes, ugg soldes, insanity workout, p90x workout, ugg, jimmy choo shoes, canada goose outlet, abercrombie and fitch, nike huarache, ferragamo shoes, nfl jerseys, ghd, new balance outlet, chi flat iron, rolex watches, celine handbags, mont blanc pens, ugg outlet, hollister, uggs on sale

oakleyses said...

moncler, canada goose, links of london uk, air max, hollister canada, uggs canada, oakley, canada goose pas cher, swarovski jewelry, lancel, parajumpers outlet, juicy couture outlet, toms outlet, canada goose, montre femme, ray ban, replica watches, moncler, canada goose uk, coach outlet, swarovski uk, gucci, supra shoes, louboutin, baseball bats, pandora uk, moncler outlet, converse, nike air max, vans, louis vuitton canada, ralph lauren, moncler, pandora charms, pandora jewelry, thomas sabo uk, ugg, iphone 6 case, canada goose outlet, karen millen, hollister clothing, timberland shoes, moncler, juicy couture outlet, hollister, wedding dress, moncler, moncler, converse shoes

oakleyses said...

louis vuitton, nike outlet, nike free run, nike air max, polo outlet, longchamp outlet, nike free, replica watches, nike roshe, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, louis vuitton outlet, longchamp outlet, prada outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tory burch outlet, ugg boots, tiffany jewelry, sac longchamp pas cher, christian louboutin, tiffany and co, louis vuitton, replica watches, louis vuitton outlet, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin uk, polo ralph lauren outlet online, ugg boots, michael kors pas cher, louboutin pas cher, polo ralph lauren, longchamp pas cher, burberry pas cher, jordan shoes, gucci handbags, nike air max, air max, longchamp outlet, jordan pas cher, prada handbags, oakley sunglasses wholesale, kate spade outlet, christian louboutin outlet, christian louboutin shoes, oakley sunglasses, cheap oakley sunglasses

oakleyses said...

michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet, replica handbags, nike tn, nike free uk, coach purses, burberry outlet, michael kors, polo lacoste, nike blazer pas cher, nike air max, hollister pas cher, ray ban uk, guess pas cher, michael kors, true religion outlet, hogan outlet, michael kors outlet online, nike air max uk, uggs outlet, michael kors outlet, new balance, michael kors outlet online, uggs outlet, mulberry uk, nike air force, abercrombie and fitch uk, lululemon canada, north face uk, ray ban pas cher, burberry handbags, michael kors outlet online, kate spade, true religion outlet, ralph lauren uk, sac hermes, nike air max uk, vans pas cher, converse pas cher, hollister uk, nike roshe run uk, true religion jeans, north face, michael kors outlet, sac vanessa bruno, true religion outlet, oakley pas cher

oakleyses said...

new balance shoes, chi flat iron, nike trainers uk, vans outlet, ghd hair, ipad cases, iphone cases, mont blanc pens, bottega veneta, ferragamo shoes, mac cosmetics, herve leger, timberland boots, s6 case, wedding dresses, nike air max, iphone 6 cases, ralph lauren, soccer jerseys, valentino shoes, oakley, longchamp uk, baseball bats, soccer shoes, nike roshe run, babyliss, beats by dre, north face outlet, iphone 6s cases, nike huaraches, north face outlet, hermes belt, iphone 6s plus cases, celine handbags, lululemon, hollister clothing, mcm handbags, asics running shoes, nfl jerseys, abercrombie and fitch, insanity workout, jimmy choo outlet, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 plus cases, hollister, instyler, giuseppe zanotti outlet, p90x workout, reebok outlet, louboutin

oakleyses said...

juicy couture outlet, juicy couture outlet, ugg, pandora jewelry, moncler, replica watches, moncler outlet, pandora uk, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, gucci, canada goose uk, swarovski crystal, converse, marc jacobs, canada goose outlet, moncler, supra shoes, ugg pas cher, hollister, swarovski, thomas sabo, pandora jewelry, moncler outlet, louis vuitton, moncler uk, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, canada goose jackets, canada goose, canada goose, links of london, toms shoes, montre pas cher, pandora charms, doudoune moncler, moncler, barbour uk, louis vuitton, ugg uk, karen millen uk, moncler, ray ban, coach outlet, barbour, lancel, louis vuitton, hollister, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, wedding dresses, nike air max