Sunday, 8 May 2005

Warballs

Eighties revival is in full swing. Duran Duran have reformed, stupid haircuts have once again become de rigour, and now bomb attacks in central London are back with a vengeance. Yesterday morning, with the better half safely off to work, I settled down for my customary diet of daytime television. To my dismay I discovered that ‘Houses under the Hammer’ had been cancelled in favour of that curious phenomenon of the modern age, a death and destruction T.V marathon. A bunch of terrorist rascals are evidently bent on destroying my way of life once again. Since my way of life currently consists of sitting on my fat arse watching ‘The Trisha Show’, a part of me feels this isn’t such a bad thing after all.

There is a British code of etiquette for these occasions, perhaps best encapsulated in one of the concluding scenes of ‘Carry on up the Khyber’. Whilst under siege by the angry forces of the Khazi of Kalibar, Sir Henry Rough-Diamond and his entourage decide to carry on as if nothing is happening and hold an impromptu dinner party. With parts of the room exploding and spear wielding tribesman rushing into the room, they maintain a stiff upper lip and carry on as if they are oblivious to the events unfolding outside. The advice given by President Bliar, was to ‘maintain our resolve’. Unhelpfully, no explanation was given as to what this entailed. I decided the best recourse was to keep my upper lip as stiff as possible, to which Katie retaliated by stiffening both lips in a bid to out-stiff me. The competition having reached a stalemate, we settled down to watch the many hours of news coverage.

It seemed as if a lot of the sound bites had been robbed directly from one of those Pathe Pictorial newsreels from the nineteen forties, a sort of a modern rekindling of the Blitz spirit. After a while the endless Churchillian rhetoric got rather wearing. I knew I had watched far too much of it when I uttered the moronic words, ‘Isn’t it a bit unfortunate that that news reporter’s surname is ‘Bombs’. I had mistaken the news title for the reporter’s name, and had been under the foolish impression he was actually called ‘London Bombs’. Too much suffering on the box evidently has the effect of frying the brain.

The atrocity is apparently set to become the new 9/11, yet the date is a bit unfortunate; 07/07/05 doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue in quite the same way. The easy solution is to jumble the date up so that it reads 007/05 and forms a more stirring rallying cry for the struggle ahead. I attempted –briefly- to do my bit for Britain by finding Osama Bin Ladin’s cave on Google’s new satellite imagery program; after about half an hour of staring at badly pixelated Afghan hillside, I decided my efforts were better directed elsewhere.

It appeared that the best thing to do under the circumstances was to head to the brewery to sink a few patriotic pints down at the Castle Lock Brewery. Things were fairly normal until a strange man dressed in a cowboy costume strolled up to the bar. His dress rather reminded me of Chevy Chase in ‘The Three Amigos’ and he appeared to be completely insane. ‘Look mate’, ‘I’m not going to serve you!’, shouted the indignant bar manager. The man stared back at him like Clint Eastwood in ‘The Good the Bad and the Ugly’; ‘Why won’t you serve me?, because I’m a cowboy!’ he replied. He then concluded that the chap behind the bar did not exist because he wasn’t smiling and left the pub to be mad elsewhere. I love nutters, they add colour to a drab neighbourhood.



During the odd free moment I have been scouring the Internet to find out what some of the fuckwits of the world are saying about the attacks. The neds on Bawbag.com gave a characteristically sensitive response to events in London

title or description

‘it wisnae terrorists it wis me, GIT THEY ENGLISH CUNTS TAE FUCK.. they terrorists arnae daein it fir ther beliefs, ther daein it as a favour fir us’

The conversation then turned to what the ned response would be to a terror attack on their Glasgow hovels.

‘fukn paki bastards!…..aye there durty fukin cunts,see if the even think about any bombins up ere,theres about 30 ov us going on a rampage dunn the shaws n govenhill n banglashields,every fukin mosk hing is gettin it’

I'm getting the impression that the message of the 'One Scotland, many races' campaign got lost somewhere along the line.

‘The government have no one to blame but themselves for yesterdays bombings, if they hadn't let the paki bastards in the country in the first place this never would have happened. Get the pakis out to fuck, couldn't trust the dirty wee bastards as far as i could throw them….. were gettin sum spray paint n hittin banglashields at the wkend’

The Nazis on Stormfront seem to have a very similar mindset

title or description

‘The white race traitor lemmings are just as much to blame for this as those who planted the bombs. Those lemmings that have sat by for the last fourty years on their rear ends and done nothing constructive while our country was flooded by the turd world.’

Lemmings are actually very active creatures that shun hibenation, you would be very lucky indeed to find one 'sitting on his arse'

‘David Duke spoke again today in his broadcast, that the muslim problem is only as a result of jews controlling our governments and media. But wow, some dickheads continue to dismiss what David Duke is on about and they further dismiss the jewish problem as 'conspiracy theory'. People who dismiss the jewish problem are shabbos goys, and they play into the jewish hands with their 'anti-muslim' rants. The more you bash the muslims, the more laws our traitorous governments will introduce to ban WN.

* The jew in his daily media rant says - "o'h look at these nasty islamic terrorists, their bombing your'e White people!"

* The dickhead says - "get the muslims, burn them out!"

* The WN says - "hold on a minute, it was you jew who let them in the first place! GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY JEW!"’


Ah, so the Jews are behind it somehow, glad they cleared that one up.

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